It is much too common to hear one or both partners resist seeing a sex therapist and couples counselor. They claim their problem can be solved on their own (if this were true, why are they considering help?), and they resist with a litany of excuses. This is all foolishness!
Sometimes one partner wants help, and the other resists. In these cases, the partner who cares the least controls the relationship—and the commitment to fixing the problem. One common excuse is we need the money for other things. I hear about buying an expensive stereo, a new car, a larger house and so on. What good are these purchases if the relationship is not sound, or is deteriorating? Money can be a ruse for simply fearing dealing with the issues, or not caring enough to do so.
Some are worried about the time and effort therapy requires. If a relationship needs help, get help! Prioritize doing homework, and taking suggestions to improve a relationship, or a single person’s life. Relationships usually do not grow without effort and commitment to the process. Part of the process for some includes seeing an AASECT certified sex therapist and couples counselor.
Others fret about finding a time when they can both come to therapy. I recognize this takes some imagination and commitment, but when I hear that a football game or a party takes precedence over seeing a therapist, I have to wonder whether the marriage or other relationship is properly valued.
As a therapist, I know that the longer you wait to solve problems, the harder they are to fix. Some wait too long and their relationship is in crisis before they seek help. The relationship needs to be valued above materialistic purchases or living on Facebook all of the time. What really matters?
Preventative maintenance is a good idea. Just like a car needs a tune up, some relationships need fine-tuning too. I see couples who have big problems, and I also see those who want to make their relationship healthier and more mutually satisfying.
There are far too many mediocre marriages where all that is emphasized is assigning tasks, rather than truly feeling excitement about being together. Many of these marriages end.
Marriage is a sexual relationship. Sexless marriages are only marriages from a legal stance. This is not enough. It does not have to be this way. I would not have a career if I could not help these couples, but I cannot help if couples do not come in and do the work, and stick with the treatment plan until the issues are improved.
Excuses are a drain on the sexual and intimate health of a relationship. It is a commitment to a relationship to seek a creative therapist who actually has a treatment plan that will work! No more excuses! There is no need to be foolish!