I am sometimes asked if I am in tune with young and non-monogamous lovers. The answer is yes. I have been a pioneer in developing alternatives to monogamy for those not wanting monogamy for some or all of their lives. I wrote the Foreword to the classic bestseller, Open Marriage. This does not mean that I think all people should have open marriages. Some are happily monogamous.
Today monogamy is a choice. It is not the only choice. This confuses older people, and it confuses some millennials too. I see life as a journey where we make different sexual choices at specific stages of our lifelong pursuit of happiness and pleasure. I am in the business of helping people make sound choices that do not destroy relationships and inner peace.
I just did a TED talk about the next sexual revolution. I call the new revolution The Sex Positive Enthusiasm Revolution, where being sex positive is the trigger for exciting sexual enthusiasm. In my talk, I argue that polyamory (many loves), swinging and being kinky (BDSM), along with LGBTQ visibility and support are ushering in the new revolution.
The new sexual revolution is starting now. It is exciting to see more change toward a sex positive experience that obliterates shame and guilt. It has never been healthy to feel shame or guilt about our sexuality. Now that sex education in the schools is finally becoming comprehensive and evidence-based, we will have more support to be healthy about sex and relationships.
These progressive changes are not always adjusted to without some confusion and problems. This is why I have a job. I help people understand themselves and the changes, so they can happily make new choices which may better fit their personality and actual values and goals. I work with couples and with single people. All people need information and some guidance to be happily monogamous or non-monogamous.
The previous sexual revolutions in the 1920’s and the sixties and seventies pushed for greater sexual freedom, but attitudes were not always in synch with actual behavior, causing negative feelings and fear. The new revolution will help people rid themselves of fearful and inhibited thoughts so they can enjoy creating, sharing and acting on imaginative, erotic fantasies.
Millennials are often interested in exploring alternatives to sexual exclusivity for life. They want sexual variety as part of their learning to be great lovers. Single millennials tell me they want to be sexual with several to many lovers to learn about the outer limits of pleasure, orgasm and intimacy. I agree with them. It is much too limited to only date one person, get married and have children without any sexual dalliances with others.
This does not mean some cannot find happiness by being monogamous from the beginning, but they may miss out on sexual learning and satisfaction by limiting themselves to one person for their entire lifetime. Some couples are happy without experimenting with dating or having sex with others, but I find that some of these have flings or affairs later, because they missed a thrilling stage of their lives.
Very few wait until marriage to have sex, but a few do. I see some of these in my office because they have either been unable to have intercourse because of fear, pain and ignorance, or because they do not enjoy sex much. They are often from strict families, and they were taught to wait for sex, but they did not realize that you do not just turn on sexual desire, arousal and orgasm with a flick of a switch. We have to learn to be sexual, and we have to experiment, discuss and be exposed to a sexual awakening to be fully sexual.
I just participated in The Sexual Reawakening online educational series with thirty three renowned sexologists. Reawakening desire and satisfaction usually applies to middle aged and senior citizens, but those millennials who have been sheltered from the realities of sexual passion and lust must at least be awakened for the first time!
It is never too late to be awakened to sexual possibilities so we can achieve our sexual potential. Most people do not find their potential because they are too busy working and worrying about money. Sex is important enough to prioritize. When people are old they regret not playing more, including sexual play, instead of focusing on work and money.
As an AASECT certified sex therapist and a couples’ counselor, I am here to help people of all ages. I do not judge those who are monogamous or non-monogamous. We are not all alike, and most of us find some change to be exciting. Lust and playful fantasies should not be lost in our quest for real passion. Passion requires love and lust. Undulating bodies with a strong emotional connection define true bliss.